![]() Rather than getting hooked by the guilt and smothering her feelings with five-star room service, she instead chose to pause and learn from it: to remind herself how much she values time with her loved ones, and to recommit to prioritizing them. With the clarity it brings, we can try to understand what the feelings are telling us-what we can learn about our desires, boundaries, or needs.ĭavid recounts a time when she was traveling for work and, alone in a fancy hotel room, began to feel guilty for leaving her family. ![]() In fact, if we want to make improvements in the future, the best approach is self-compassion. The point of identifying these feelings is not to beat ourselves up, though. And naming your feelings isn’t as simple as saying “I’m stressed,” explains David often, underlying such generic feelings are more uncomfortable emotions like frustration or hopelessness.Įmotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life (Avery, 2016, 288 pages) Other research shows that people with alexithymia-who cannot put their feelings into words-have poorer mental health, less satisfying jobs and relationships, and more aches and pains. In one study, for example, researchers found that smokers were more successful at quitting after participating in a program based on accepting, observing, and detaching from their cravings. To get unhooked, we first have to acknowledge the hook-in other words, to be mindful and accepting of our feelings, David explains. “This isn’t such a big deal,” we might tell ourselves, or “I should feel grateful for everything I have.” Yet trying to reason away our negative emotions and feel good all the time can be detrimental to our mental health.ĭavid calls these unhealthy responses being “hooked.” The feelings have snagged us, in one way or another: We aren’t aware of them yet they’re influencing our behavior we’re completely drowning in them or we’re constantly fighting them off in order to stay chipper. Brooders can become very self-focused, writes David, and they may start to judge and blame themselves for their feelings.įinally, sometimes inspired by the self-help industry, many of us respond to negative emotions by forcing ourselves to be positive. In contrast to bottlers, brooders rehash feelings over and over in their heads, not generating productive insights but simply reliving the pain. ![]() Susan David's TED talk on " The Gift and Power of Emotional Courage." ![]() In the process, we end up stressing out the people around us and may find those feelings “leaking out” in other ways: anger at a cashier, for example, when our real anger is directed toward someone else. Some of us bottle our emotions, trying to ignore them and soldier on. The way we cope with negative feelings often serves to keep us stuck. We fail to recognize that we could choose a different path. Blaming thoughts for behaviors: Because we think certain things-“I always choke”-we feel compelled to take certain actions, like avoiding public speaking.Righteousness: Our need to be right leads to conflict with others, rather than forgiveness and understanding.Old ideas: We’re repeating old thoughts and behaviors that no longer fit the current reality, like “I always choke in important situations” or “I’m not good enough for him.”.Monkey mind: We’ve spiraled off into a cascade of regret about the past, worry about the future, or judgments about ourselves.When we get stuck-i.e., held in thrall of a particularly nasty feeling-there are a few common culprits, writes David.
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